Week 6 - Self Esteem

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 This week, we were discussing about self esteem, a critical foundation to build before we work on anything else.

Everyone has different challenges, and is at a different level of self esteem, especially in these formative years. As a result, this session was much more introspective, rather than a discussion or sermon.


To start with, Viji ma'am asked us to look in the mirror, and consciously observe how we feel about ourselves. I felt rather self confident about my physical appearance; I haven't been the most handsome guy in any room, but luckily I haven't worried much about that, and I always flash my million dollar smile 😅. If there was one thing I noted, it was the slight double chin from all the fat I've gained over the last year or two, but being observant of that was important, as my health is very much in my control.

In a more general sense of things, I felt great about where I was in life back then. I have ups and downs, but in general, my life has been extremely comfortable and fortunate. (As I'm writing this, I'm feeling a little down and unsure about myself, so honestly it feels good to be reminded that this too shall pass.)

Self esteem is the way we look at ourselves and our situation. It is how we think and feel about ourselves. Thus, we discussed two important facets that influence our self esteem, either good or bad:

Awareness

To maintain a strong and rational level of self esteem, we need to be constantly aware of our strengths and weaknesses, and our fortunes and disadvantages. For this, we did an exercise, listing out our life's ladders (things that support us) and snakes (weaknesses).

My ladders:
  • Monetary Stability
  • Caring and stable family
  • Best in country academic opportunities and mentors
  • My youth and life ahead of me
  • Trustworthy people I have surrounded myself with
  • Relative self discipline given my age
My snakes:
  • Self doubt
  • Holding back/not taking risks
  • Dependency on others
  • Low priority given to mind and body
  • Attaching my worth to external achievements
  • Procrastination
People who are not in touch with their ladders can feel they're stuck in a bad situation and can easily spiral emotionally. Similarly, people who are not aware of their snakes can get too cocky and act recklessly. Only a person who is in touch with both can feel grateful for their ladders, while working on their snakes.

Self Talk


Our own internal self talk is significantly affected by our self esteem and vice versa, thus creating a positive or negative cycle. According to studies, humans have on avergae, 70000 thoughts a day, two thirds of which are negative. Taking a conscious effort to tip the scales, even by a little, will have a compounding effect because of the aforementioned.

Besides our levels of positivity, our self talk also determines whether we have a growth mindset or fixed mindset. People who have a fixed mindset tend to correlate successes and failures to their levels of intelligence, which implicitly implies a certain lack of control. On the other hand, people who have a growth mindset attribute the same to their competence, which was built on their effort, even if it takes them longer than others.

Studies have shown that people with a growth mindset enjoy challenges and strive harder than people with fixed mindsets. The good news is that, this too is not a permanent fixture of our birth and genes. Any person can take a conscious effort to inculcate a growth mindset in their thoughts and as a result, their lifestyle.

Externalities

We wrapped up the session with a discussion on how external factors affect our self esteem, particularly in the context of body shaming. People talked about how body shaming had mentally affected them in the past. And then, we discussed how to handle such challenges. Ideally, people would be cognizant of others feelings, and hold back on being judgemental. But in reality, we are bound to come across some ugly situations. At such times, it is important to hold strong to our self image. We must also realize the impernanence of it all; it is futile to slip into anxiety, worrying about our appearance if in 20 or 30 years, all of us are going to look aged and tired. Health is important, but appearnace is only secondary.

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