Week 7 - Perception and Vulnerability

To start off this week, we talked about our perception. Often in our public lives, we and others can have wildly differing perceptions about what is happening. For example, a person could try to be enthusiastic, only for others to feel that they are dominating.

Whenever we try to gauge and respond to any information, we go through a ladder of inference. However, we must realize that each person's takeaway from this ladder is different, and we must prepare for the same. At every step of this ladder, people can differ, and perhaps make mistakes, due to various reasons like information asymmetry, cultural differences, different styles of reacting, etc.

A large part of these differences can be found in our differences in values; values are derived from our cultures, life experiences, network, etc, and hence is different for each person.

Sometimes we take disagreements unnecessarily personally. However, in most situations, all parties are trying to find a course of action that is mutually beneficial but are approaching the matter at hand with different perceptions. It is important to realize this, so we can remain open minded while working towards bridging the gap

Our perceptions are directed by our Mental Model or "software of the brain"  - the way we think, feel, and react to our environment. In order to have a more nuanced and Mental Model, we have to make a conscious effort to update ourselves frequently. It is imperative that we seek out new experiences beyond our comfort zone for the same.

Stereotypes

We use stereotypes when we are trying to gauge someone or something with very little information. It is important to be aware of a wide range of cultural nuances, but in a situation where that isn't possible it was suggested that stereotypes can be useful to prevent misunderstandings, albeit only briefly at the surface level. Personally, I disagree with this: any lack of clarity is worth clarifying. As we will see later, I feel this is a place where being vulnerable is more important than being polite.

When stereotypes affect the way we feel about people, they become prejudices, and when these prejudices bubble out, we see discriminatory acts being committed. Stereotypes also lead to the Halo effect, where we extrapolate inferences into unrelated areas, such as assuming a person who speaks well is smarter. 

Due to its steep downsides, it is important to actively work towards breaking down stereotypes and avoiding prejudices. We need to start by asking ourselves, how would we feel if we're judged by someone else who knows little about us. It is critical we build up the courage to constantly question our Mental Model.

Vulnerability

We started off this session with an exercise on the Johari window. We first analyzed our own characteristics that we are open about (Open Self) and we tend to hide (Hidden Self). Then, we went into groups of 4, giving each other our thoughts on them as a person, in an attempt to discover personality traits that we aren't aware of but others are (Blind Self).

Personally, being quite the open book, I didn't have much, if at all, in my Hidden Self and Blind Self categories. However, I suspect I've only scratched at the surface of my personality, and so I ought to have a lot of characteristics that neither I nor others are aware of (Unknown Self)

We then watched a TED talk on vulnerability. Many people have a large Hidden Self, trying to portray a perfect image of themselves to everyone. But in reality, everyone is facing their battles. It is better for relationship building and our mental health to be brave enough to be vulnerable and honest with those we trust. Vulnerability helps us learn about ourselves in two ways: sharing with each other helps us uncover our Blind Self, and pushing out of our comfort zone helps us uncover our Unknown Self. Thus, we must strive to create tight relationships where we trust the other person and be brave enough to be vulnerable with them.

Week 6 - Self Esteem

 This week, we were discussing about self esteem, a critical foundation to build before we work on anything else.

Everyone has different challenges, and is at a different level of self esteem, especially in these formative years. As a result, this session was much more introspective, rather than a discussion or sermon.

To start with, Viji ma'am asked us to look in the mirror, and consciously observe how we feel about ourselves. I felt rather self confident about my physical appearance; I haven't been the most handsome guy in any room, but luckily I haven't worried much about that, and I always flash my million dollar smile 😅. If there was one thing I noted, it was the slight double chin from all the fat I've gained over the last year or two, but being observant of that was important, as my health is very much in my control.

In a more general sense of things, I felt great about where I was in life back then. I have ups and downs, but in general, my life has been extremely comfortable and fortunate. (As I'm writing this, I'm feeling a little down and unsure about myself, so honestly it feels good to be reminded that this too shall pass.)

Self esteem is the way we look at ourselves and our situation. It is how we think and feel about ourselves. Thus, we discussed two important facets that influence our self esteem, either good or bad:

Awareness

To maintain a strong and rational level of self esteem, we need to be constantly aware of our strengths and weaknesses, and our fortunes and disadvantages. For this, we did an exercise, listing out our life's ladders (things that support us) and snakes (weaknesses).

My ladders:

• Monetary Stability
• Caring and stable family
• Best in country academic opportunities and mentors
• My youth and life ahead of me
• Trustworthy people I have surrounded myself with
• Relative self discipline given my age

My snakes:

• Self doubt
• Holding back/not taking risks
• Dependency on others
• Low priority given to mind and body
• Attaching my worth to external achievements
• Procrastination

People who are not in touch with their ladders can feel they're stuck in a bad situation and can easily spiral emotionally. Similarly, people who are not aware of their snakes can get too cocky and act recklessly. Only a person who is in touch with both can feel grateful for their ladders, while working on their snakes.

Self Talk

Our own internal self talk is significantly affected by our self esteem and vice versa, thus creating a positive or negative cycle. According to studies, humans have on avergae, 70000 thoughts a day, two thirds of which are negative. Taking a conscious effort to tip the scales, even by a little, will have a compounding effect because of the aforementioned.

Besides our levels of positivity, our self talk also determines whether we have a growth mindset or fixed mindset. People who have a fixed mindset tend to correlate successes and failures to their levels of intelligence, which implicitly implies a certain lack of control. On the other hand, people who have a growth mindset attribute the same to their competence, which was built on their effort, even if it takes them longer than others.

Studies have shown that people with a growth mindset enjoy challenges and strive harder than people with fixed mindsets. The good news is that, this too is not a permanent fixture of our birth and genes. Any person can take a conscious effort to inculcate a growth mindset in their thoughts and as a result, their lifestyle.

Externalities

We wrapped up the session with a discussion on how external factors affect our self esteem, particularly in the context of body shaming. People talked about how body shaming had mentally affected them in the past. And then, we discussed how to handle such challenges. Ideally, people would be cognizant of others feelings, and hold back on being judgemental. But in reality, we are bound to come across some ugly situations. At such times, it is important to hold strong to our self image. We must also realize the impernanence of it all; it is futile to slip into anxiety, worrying about our appearance if in 20 or 30 years, all of us are going to look aged and tired. Health is important, but appearnace is only secondary.

Week 5 - Communication

Our next week on communication was split into two parts: for the first two days, we had guest lecturer Dr.Abha take us through effective presentation skills and techniques, and in the next two days Viji took us through improving our personal and professional conversations.

Public Speaking Session - Dr.Abha - Takeaways

More people are afraid of public speaking than of death! That is how mortifying people find public speaking. But the root cause of the problem typically is not that one cannot speak, or one does not have any knowledge; rather, it simply boils down to the fear of being judged by the people listening.

Once we realize this, we can be better equipped to deal with "stage fright". An effective method to both improve our presentations and getting rid of our fear, is to dedicate ourselves to perfecting our speech. If we are fully engaged in our work and we reach the flow state, the opinion of others barely matters to us anymore.

We started off focusing on the most fundamental aspect: structuring. Dr.Abha pointed out that it is easy for anyone to go on rambling about a topic of their interest, but the true challenge is to deliver information in a crisp and engaging manner.

Two primary structures were introduced in this session:

3 T Structure:

• Tell your audience what you will be talking about: Make sure your audience has a clear picture of what they are dedicating their time to and establish why it's important.
• Tell your audience: Deliver all your talking points.
• Tell your audience what you have spoken about: the most impactful part of the speech, ie, the callback. Use this to summarize key takeaways, and present your call to action.

4 P Structure

• Position: Tell your audience what you're talking about and/or what your opinion is.
• Problem: Speak about why this subject opinion is important/credible.
• Possibility: What does all this mean to your audience moving forward.
• Proposal: Your call to action for the audience.

In the second session, we talked about the delivery of presentations. To quickly summarize the key areas that were discussed:

• Personal projection: A good message without conviction would cause apathy. A weak topic conveyed with strong conviction would only ruse a short-term frenzy. Focusing on strong messages, and delivering them with utmost conviction is required to uphold sustained action.
• Humor: Humor can add personality to presentations, but must be used carefully. When used gently, it can be used to deliver an easily understandable context about the topic at hand. But one must make sure it mustn't be offensive and isn't off-topic.
• Questions: Questions can be used to deliver a stronger in many ways, a few of which are:
• Rhetorical question: Making the audience think.
• Factual Recall: To introduce/callback facts
• Opinion: To elicit an emotional response.
• Comparison: Once again, to make the audience critically analyze.
• Clarification: To elaborate/clarify something you have said.
• Voice Projection: The way we speak and pronounce can have a profound impact on the tone and hence the emotion with which our message is being delivered. A few quick tips to sharpen the same:
• Pick up the pace whenever you want to show excitement.
• Slow down and use pauses to emphasize points.
• Use repetitions (and list of threes) to make sure key phrases are retained by the audience.
• Body Language: It is common knowledge among experts that the nonverbal cues a good speaker give have more impact than their verbal delivery itself. Some tips to keep in mind:
• Keep your hands, and body in general, open. This shows openness. A person who closes up looks like they have something to hide.
• Maintain eye contact with your audience. Look around the crowd, not just at one spot. Eye contact is a communication of respect to your audience.
• Information Delivery: One must convey information in a concise and clear manner. This involves not only a crisp speech, but also strong supporting material in the form of good quality slides. They must be creative, essentially 'talking with pictures'.

Improving Conversational Ability - Viji ma'am

The primary topic of this session and the activities we did associated to it, revolved around being assertive during personal conversations. Some of the takeaways from this session were:

• Assertiveness vs Aggression: Try to be convincing about your point of view, but don't be dominating. One cannot be assertive without being open to the other person's concerns/views. It requires respect for oneself as well as the person one is talking to. A conversation isn't a shouting match; the goal of a conversation isn't to prove you are better, but rather to benefit from it, even if that means you learn to change your opinions. An assertive dialogue can lead to a win-win situation.
• Practical tip: If you are talking to someone about something they did that affected you, don't be accusatory. Rather, use a tone that emphasizes your distress. Say "I'm hurt", instead of "You hurt me".
• Polite vs passive: As mentioned previously, it is crucial to be respectful of the other person's opinion. But on the flip side of aggression, some people tend to not at all respect their own point of view. This is equally bad. While being polite, make sure you are able to put your point across. Do not compromise on your values to satisfy another person.
• Practical tip: This is all about confidence in oneself. Make sure you do not view/treat yourself as a floormat. (Reference an ode to Sean Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful Teens, a personal favorite of mine growing up).
• Proximity to person: One must be careful while trying to be assertive. It is more effective with people you are very close to. To relative strangers, assertiveness that isn't well executed can come off as aggressive.